I think one of the main reasons that we fail to have great sex is because we are too embarrassed to actually voice what we want. Getting into a relationship alone seems like a huge task, so once you're there, why take the additional risk of being rejected?
Take that risk!
It's important for both people to realize that you have to be very careful of the other when discussing different ideas for spicing things up, or even for achieving good ol' great sex. If your partner brings an idea to the table, no matter how bizarre it is, really think about what s/he has gone through to come to the point of actually saying what they want. It's a lot of second-guessing and playing out different endings of being rejected. That doesn't mean roll over and do it, no matter how uncomfortable you feel about it. Just be easy on your response.
For instance:
Guy: "Hey babe, I was thinking tonight maybe we could, you know, take a tour of that new lingerie shop and get some ... I don't know, crotchless panties?"
Girl: "Oh my god! Are you serious? Do I look like a tramp to you?!"
Ok, so maybe that suggestion is a bit mild, comparatively, but let's not give all the secrets away all at once (crotchless panties, btw, are a great investment)! But the point is, her reaction to his idea will now shut down ideas for a long time, possibly shutting down sex, too. Chances are, if you're having sex, you're in a relationship, which you want to be built on trust, comfort, and understanding (if you're doing the one-night-stand thing, this blog probably won't be of any help to you!), and you will severely crush that foundation by instantly and insultingly rejecting the creativity of each other.
Instead, explore the reasons why:
a.) the person would like to implement said idea in the bedroom, and
b.) why you find it so uncomfortable.
Maybe he thinks it's a racy and sexy idea, like sex with a skirt on, of still wearing clothes but he's got ultimate access, and maybe she's afraid that it's inevitably going to make her feel like she's being someone else.
Side note: You've heard the sayings of the likes of Usher's Yeah!, "I want a lady on the streets but a freak in the bed!"... You can STILL be the highly professional, charity-driven, Mom Of The Year woman AND get your groove on (when I say "groove," I do **NOT** mean missionary position with your socks on) in your bedroom (or... ya know, other places). By all means, be a closet freak. It's not like you're the one coming out about it in a blog!
Back to crotchless-panty couple. If it's something that takes you a little out of your comfort zone, consider trying it on for size. If it's something like going from missionary-position-with-your-socks-on to anal beads, maaaaaaaybe suggest something a little milder. But don't don't don't make your partner feel like a complete perv for suggesting something new. Maybe more along the lines of, "you know, I'd love to spice up our sex life, but can we table that idea and try something a little different? Maybe we can revisit that idea when I feel a little more comfortable." Or drunk. Hahahaha! And really allow your head to wrap around the idea before shutting down the idea. If you think the idea is too much, maybe just say, "Let me think on it." And then go think on it. In a timely fashion. And respond.
Now, I've been the innocent little kitten, horrified by some of the things people do in the name of sex. I've been not-so-smooth in my rejections of ideas. Perhaps that's why I have fallen into that 85-times category a relationship or two. Or five. I do believe the openness I have in my current relationship is why the two of us are baffled at these statistics, knowing our own scores. I've been having sex for over a decade, not with the same person, and I've reviewed the past experiences and know that, when we're more open and accepting of each other and suggestions, the sex is more intimate, freeing, and bonding. That's right. Freeing AND bonding.
Freeing: You're having sex and for the better part of ten minutes, you're thinking, "this is great, but I really wish s/he'd do this..." The thought of actually forming words and speaking them nearly causes you to orgasm. Well, imagine actually speaking them. Tah-dah! Freeeeee-iiiiing!
Bonding: Hand-in-hand with "intimate," we are extremely close in our relationship because we talk about what's going on and we're open to each other. I don't wake up next to him in the morning, shielding my bright red face knowing what we did last night. Instead, we roll over, sigh, and, in unison, say, "ohhhhhmygod last night was amazing." What an incredible way to bond with your partner, really.
Happy Humping!
***I'm considering doing my blogs in alphabetical order, a Sex Alphabet, if you will. So, along with A for Awkward, I would also like to add A for Apologetic, in that I won't be apologetic for my blogs. Nor will I feel awkward and blush-y about sharing. Just so you know.***
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